


What You Feel You Deserve

by EVVS



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Background Relationships, Gen, Gentleness, M/M, Self-Worth Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:41:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22205017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EVVS/pseuds/EVVS
Summary: “Do you ever think… that the power might consume you one day?”Caleb’s hand slowed. And then stopped. “I do not plan on ending up like Halas, if that is what you are implying.”“No, no,” Caduceus said, shaking his head. “It’s just that, well, you keep improving your magic, and I know you have a goal or two in that head of yours, but what if that’s not achievable? What if you can’t find the answers you’re looking for?”
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 2
Kudos: 97





	What You Feel You Deserve

Over time, Caleb had become more accepting of touch. He expected Beau to hold onto him as he lost his senses to Frumpkin. The way that he and Fjord clasped hands seemed like that of old friends. Caduceus had even seen him dance with Jester on a few occasions.

But Caleb rarely touched Caduceus.

It was only ever in reverse, Caduceus laying a hand on Caleb, and usually only when he was unconscious. Battles did plenty of that, leaving their wizard bloodied and bruised, and Caduceus tried his best to heal in times like those.

So Caduceus hadn’t noticed it.

And then he finally did.

They were all burned, thoroughly, by acid. Some kind of giant bug, not a grasshopper, not a cockroach. By Caduceus’ standards, it certainly wasn’t like the friendly bugs back in the Blooming Grove.

By the end of the fight, Nott’s feet had lost quite a bit of flesh. She’d focused on taking shots rather than getting herself out of the fray. Jester’s dress had been ruined, but that seemed to be a manageable crisis. Everyone else was functional, at least. It was more than could be said for Caleb.

He had taken the brunt of it. He’d sent his cat to scout ahead through the tunnels, and his senses left just the same. And then came the attack.

There were no more arm wraps as protection, and his coat had been used as a seat rest on their borrowed wagon. His exposed arms seemed melted down almost to the bone. The splash of acid would likely leave him scarred, but he was handling it better than most would in that position. After all, he was well-adjusted to self-destruction.

Somehow, he seemed more startled when Caduceus approached.

Even with his own neck and chest covered in burns, he knew Caleb needed to be taken care of first. Caduceus offered out a gentle hand, allowing the divine energy to coalesce there. “Here, let me help,” he said softly.

And Caleb shuddered away like a scared animal. “ _Nein_ , _nein_ , I will get Jester. You have the, uh, the very strong healing, and it seems like Nott could use it more.”

Caduceus brow furrowed. Nott had avoided all but the puddles while Caleb’s face and arms were red and badly burned. But before he could even get a word in, Caleb continued, “You start on that, take care of her and the others, and I will see Jester about this.” He gestured a bit shakily to his entirely ruined arm before starting a conspicuous retreat towards the blue tiefling who was adamantly mending her dress.

And Caduceus just watched with a tilted head and mixed emotions.

* * *

Rarely nowadays did they have to take watches. Caleb’s little dome made sure of that. But sometimes there were nights where it wasn’t so easy to trust the world around them, and so they kept watch.

Normally, on nights like these, Caduceus liked particularly to stay up with Fjord. They could sit in mediation, yes, but it also meant that Caduceus could try to make up for some of Fjord’s perceptive shortcomings.

However, Fjord and Jester had shared a watch tonight, which was to be anticipated with the way things were going between them. Caduceus wasn’t blind, after all.

So he sat up with Caleb, who also seemed less than enthused with the situation. Caduceus keeping watch allowed the wizard to be wrapped up in copying spells while his cat sat at attention on top of the dome. There were two of them watching, sure, although they weren’t the two Caduceus had assumed would be watching when the shift started.

“Does it always take so much writing to learn a spell?” asked Caduceus, allowing his eyes to rest on the scrawled notes and runes in Caleb’s book for a moment.

Caleb nodded, silent for a moment before responding softly, “I have to learn it all on my own. I have to read the incantations and interpret the runes and understand what it is meant to do.” He seemed stressed, like the few hours of sleep he’d managed to snatch prior were not enough.

Caduceus observed the inscribing for a bit longer before letting his eyes scan back to the horizon. “You’re becoming more powerful, Caleb.”

“Ja.” More ink was put to page with much deliberation. His words were terse, like he didn’t want to say more than he needed. “It takes time. And hard work.”

For a moment, Caduceus considered that maybe he was coming down sharply against divine magic, the guiding of a godly hand, but that didn’t seem quite right. Caleb was blunt rather than harsh.

“Do you ever think… that the power might consume you one day?”

Caleb’s hand slowed. And then stopped. “I do not plan on ending up like Halas, if that is what you are implying.”

“No, no,” Caduceus said, shaking his head. “It’s just that, well, you keep improving your magic, and I know you have a goal or two in that head of yours, but what if that’s not achievable? What if you can’t find the answers you’re looking for?”

He released a slow, sharp breath and shook his head. “No, that is not an option.” He went back to writing, now with more vigor. His words were even more clipped now as he added, “I cannot fail, Caduceus.”

And in some part, Caduceus knew why. After all, Nott was laying just a few feet away, curled up against Jester’s leg, wrapped up in Yasha’s cloak. She was a big part of his goal, certainly. But Caduceus knew there was an unspoken more.

“But are you going to waste your life until you get there?”

A tension came to his jaw, and his brow twitched ever so slightly. “I need to study, Clay.”

Just as bodies cannot decompose in a day, change cannot occur overnight. So Caduceus did not push. He instead sat and watched the world around them: the trees dancing in the wind, the shadows crawling across the ground, and the moon playing hide and seek with the clouds.

And while he sat in his mediation, murmuring his soft prayers to the Wildmother, he thought of Caleb.

* * *

Hesitation was one word for it. Uncertainty was another.

It seemed as though Caleb danced around him like a body consumed by some dark plague. Caduceus didn’t mind so much at first. They were both strangers in this brave new world: Caduceus finding his own way without his family, Caleb had to learn to trust himself and others again.

After all, the world is much scarier when you’re alone.

Which made it harder when Fjord and Jester finally became an undefined _something_. And then Nott spent what precious downtime they had with Yeza. Beau and Yasha? Well, they were awkwardly figuring out themselves and each other.

So some nights, Caduceus found himself alone. No soft snoring from Fjord in another bed. No odd sounds of weapons shifting in the night as Yasha tossed and turned on the floor. No Jester whispering to the unseen Traveller in the early hours of the morning.

But some nights like these, when no one wanted to be alone, there was Caleb.

And with Caleb, Caduceus was calm. He was a force to be reckoned with, a wildfire raging within himself that occasionally escaped through his fingertips. Still, he was Caleb. Quiet. Folded in on himself. Caleb.

So as Caduceus began to set down his staff and then his shield. All the while, he watched Caleb, entranced in the ritual of him removing his coat and then his books and then his chain. It was methodical as he folded each piece before moving onto the next. And Caduceus watched quietly, forgetting his own armor for a long moment.

It wasn’t magic, just a different sort of ritual. Order in the chaos, an answer when none was needed. A pattern.

“Caleb?”

“Hmm?” Caleb did not look up, instead pulling each book from the holster and folding the leather straps atop his chain which laid atop his coat.

“Do you always do things a certain- a certain way like that?”

He paused before beginning to remove his shirt. “It makes it easier to put it all back on in the morning.”

Caduceus’ brow knit together. He paused and then paused a bit longer once Caleb took his shirt off. He was comfortable. He was vulnerable.

“Your life doesn’t have to be in order. You know that, don’t you, Caleb?”

His hands were on his books, always on those books. He seemed unsettled, and Caduceus was fine with that. “I do not know what you mean,” he lied, sitting on the ground and pulling a piece of chalk from his pocket.

Allowing the lie to pass as a truth, Caduceus took a cautious step towards Caleb. “You don’t have to stop the rest of your life until you… get whatever it is you’re after. There’s a whole world out there to see, but- but you’ve got books and goals and-”

“Caduceus, now is not the time-”

“Then when will be the time?” He’d taken more steps without realizing, standing just a chalk circle away. It had been a quiet feeling for so long, a twisting of joint destinies that brought his feet ever closer. And now that feeling was no longer quiet, now trying to claw its way out of his throat without the proper words to do so. Caduceus found himself desperate in a way he’d never known before. “When will you let yourself be happy?”

There was tension. There was silence. And Caduceus realized he was shaking. And so was Caleb.

Some things were a long time coming.

And maybe now was not the time.

“I… I am not sure that I deserve to be happy.”

Caduceus released the breath he’d held deep in his chest. And then, like Caleb’s clothes, he folded himself on the ground. Legs crossed, armor rubbing uncomfortably, he sat across from Caleb. “You don’t really believe that, do you?”

However, Caleb wasn’t looking at him. He seemed lost in the slice of floor between them. His hands twisted the chalk anxiously.

“Caleb.” Gently, Caduceus placed his hand on Caleb’s knee. “You can’t be serious? You know you deserve to be happy, right? You don’t have to… have to wallow in your guilt for the rest of your life. There’s a world out there, and sure, there are some things in it that you’ll see the need to do, but- but there’s still a lot more to explore.”

He swallowed hard before quietly: “Caduceus, please…”

And he waited for a long moment, seeing if there was anything with that soft plea, but Caleb seemed to still be lost. “These people, these strange people, they care about you. And they want you to be happy. _I_ want you to be happy.”

“I cannot…” Caleb took a sharp breath, seeming mere seconds away from tears. “I do not deserve you, Caduceus.” His shaking hand rested atop the cleric’s, and he continued just as shakily, “You are- You are life and light, and- and you are so beautiful.” He sniffled, seemingly trying to steady himself by squeezing Caduceus’ hand. “You are a better man than I.”

Caduceus upturned his hand, exposing his palm to Caleb’s but not holding on. That was not his step to take. “You aren’t a bad person, Caleb. You’re a complex person. But we all are. Take Fjord, for example. We watched him almost unleash a- an eldritch sea monster a matter of months ago, but now he’s, well, he’s taken on a new role with a deity.” He leaned forward slightly, trying to watch Caleb’s face without encroaching, but his hair was in the way. “He’s not good or bad, I don’t think. He’s just complicated.”

Still, Caleb didn’t seem to want to say anything.

He fought the urge to truly take Caleb’s hand. “And the way I see it, now that he’s with Jester, I think he’s… well, I think he’s working on sorting out all his complicated parts now.” He took a deep breath before softly continuing, “People can’t be fixed, necessarily. We’re all broken and messy in our own ways. But, if you’ll consider… I think I’d like to be there with you. Even help, if I can.”

It took a long moment and one even longer exhalation before Caleb cautiously tangled his fingers with Caduceus’. “I would like that very much.”

And when Caleb looked up? He seemed so lonely and small, but at the same time, he seemed more relieved than Caduceus had ever seen him. And his half-smile? Caduceus thought he was beautiful, too.

**Author's Note:**

> I only found Caduceus' voice there at the end, which was super frustrating. But it's done and I'm pretty happy with it.
> 
> Thanks for reading, y'all


End file.
